New “legal” drug may kill your children

A dangerous new chemical is sweeping Britain’s discothèques and mosh pits; cyclomethalene. This sinister substance is being found in universities, colleges and nurseries across the nation, prompting wide spread alarm among many parents. The drug causes users to feel both intense energy and a severe tiredness simultaneously, culminating in an effect that scientists call the redundancy principle. One user told us “It’s a bit pointless really; I’m not entirely sure why we bother”.

Cyclomethalene’s biggest danger is the ease with which it can be obtained. It’s legal under EU trading laws as a product for cleaning and scouring fish, but some junkies have taken to rubbing it between their toes, in what is known as “Milton Keynesing”. There has been pressure on the government to ban the substance completely, but actions have been hampered by fish rights groups, who claim that cyclomethalene constitutes an important part of many fish’s natural ecosystem.

So how can you identify if your child is on Cyclomethalene? Due to the superfluous nature of the chemical it can be difficult to identify any changes in them, but there are warning signs. Teenagers may become distant and avoid talking to you, and in some cases they may develop acne and become hormonal. To avoid detection they may refer to the drug as “Wham”, “Cod Polish” or “Michael Palin’s New Europe”. Our researchers asked national treasure Palin for a statement regarding the drug, but he neither confirmed nor denied his involvement.

 Michael Palin: International drug baron?

Secretary for Health Andrew Lansley is expected to make a statement to Commons in the next few days regarding a proposal to ban Cyclomethalene. However the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD) has already released a report on the chemical, stating that the actual risk posed by the chemical is minimal. Since the report was released the entire council has been fired and replaced with representatives from the pharmacutical industry.

The report has since been recalled and replaced, with the ACMD now warning that Cyclomethalene causes cancer, headaches and baldness. As well as this, the council has also warned that the drug may damage your sense of taste. As such, some speculators have began to point out a correlation between the rise of Cyclomethalene and the success of U2’s new tour.

Despite the new warnings users have vowed to continue taking the drug, due to there being “nothing better to do.”

The Human Centipede

I recently watched a horror film called “The Human Centipede”. Some of you may have already heard of it, for those of you who haven’t, it’s basically about a demented surgeon who sews three people together, face to anus. Needless to say, the film leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

The film revolves around two American tourists, whose car breaks down, forcing them to seek shelter in the home of insane surgeon Dr. Heiter. Unsurprisingly, Heiter turns out to be a bit of a bastard and turns the two, plus a previously captured Japanese man, into the titular Human Centipede. The rest of the film revolves around the trio’s degradation at the hands of the surgeon and their attempts to escape.

I seems to me that nobody seems to understand what horror means anymore. A horror film is meant to scare you, to terrify you, to horrify you. The clue’s in the name. Yet almost all the horror films produced in the last 5 years or so seem to miss this. They all rely on overly graphic gore to shock and disgust viewers. That’s not scary, that just makes you say “aww man, what the fuck?”. In order to scare someone, you need to use existing fears, or people won’t be able to relate to the characters. Some people are scared of the dark. Others of confined spaces. I’ve yet to meet someone who has a fear of being made into a shuffling scatological abomination by a mental surgeon. And I’ve been to Germany.

People aren’t scared by films like this or others in the similar vein, such as Saw, because they can’t relate to what’s going on. All the film invokes is a physical gut reaction because of the detail and realism. People aren’t scared, they’re just struggling to keep their lunch down. The reason this style of film has become so commonplace in recent years is that CGI is advanced enough to create these realistic scenes. This means that writers don’t even have to bother trying anymore, they just write in some scenes of someone getting his intestines pulled out through his eyes and leave the rest to the CG department. The Human Centipede is possibly the perfect illustration of this. The directing’s bad, the acting’s bad, the writing’s bad. The only thing it has to its credit is that it looks real. And it’s gross.

But maybe I’m being too hard on The Human Centipede. Maybe it’s in fact an elaborate metaphor for the horror film industry. The crazed doctor (Big film companies) inflicts unrealistic restrictions on the Centipede (the industry), treating it like a dog and feeding it bland, uninteresting food. This food is passed along the chain, losing any unique qualities it once had, until the person at the end of the chain (the viewer) is forced to eat shit. Or maybe it’s just a film about people eating poo. I’ll let you be the judge.

(It’s a film about people eating poo)

Have-a-go Heroes Help Hookers Home

A group of amateur superheroes are offering protection for sex workers in Long Island through adverts posted on Craigslist. The gesture comes after the 10^th gruesome body was discovered in Long Island, New York, believed to all be victims of the same killer. The Long Island Serial Killer, who preys on escort girls, has dumped a number of dismembered corpses in the woods close to a popular beach. The civilian crime fighters, known as the New York Initiative or NYI, believe the police are failing to protect these women and have decided to personally get involved.

Zero, a member of the NYI, posted a message on the ad site Craigslist offering the group’s services for anyone who wanted them, free of charge. In the advert Zero states:

“The Long Island Killer is out there. He’s a scary bastard, and it’s starting to seem like he is focusing on you pretty ladies because some people are slower to report you missing, and also because apparently the law doesn’t respect your personal choices and that means cops are slower to follow through when it comes to you. Well, I’m here to say F**K THAT. We respect you as human beings, we believe in personal freedoms and think that you’re doing something that is absolutely your choice to do.”

The NYI is encouraging the women to ensure they keep in touch with a friend when meeting clients and to provide them with regular updates. If they have no one they can call, the Initiative is willing to keep a log of their locations for them and offer an emergency safe word that the girls can text them if they need help. As well as this the team, which includes a number of professional martial arts instructors, offers complementary self-defence lessons and improvised weapon training.

The NYI has 13 members trained in martial arts and kitted out with weapons and home-made costumes. They describe themselves on their Facebook page as “individuals organized towards achieving peacekeeping objectives and humanitarian missions” whose aim is “to help those in the most need to the highest ethical standard and to the maximum effect.”

The Long Island Serial Killer is believed to be highly intelligent and an integrated part of his community, making it difficult for police to identify him. Despite support from the FBI, the authorities are still no closer to finding the killer. Police are considering the possibility that the killer may be a former cop or have an understanding of police procedure, which allows him to avoid investigators. The killer has also been making sadistic, twisted phone calls to the family of the deceased. The phone calls were all made in crowded public places and lasted under three minutes, indicating that the killer knows that it takes 3 – 5 minutes for the police to trace phone calls.

For more information on the NYI, visit their Facebook page at:

http://www.facebook.com/NewYorkInitiative#!/NewYorkInitiative

And read their full Craigslist advert at:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/2329212396.html